Carry The Lesson, Not The Guilt

[00:00:01] Welcome to Business, Finance and Soul. My name is Shaun Enders and I'm a curious entrepreneur. I love exploring business, personal finance and consciousness. I'll jump around topics, offer my opinions and occasionally interview interesting people. Looking forward to going on this journey. Let's be curious together.

[00:00:21] Welcome back to Business, Finance and Soul. Thank you for being here. And I wanted to share something with you that, you know what? It feels a little frustrating and couldn't be embarrassing, but it highlights the topic.

[00:00:46] Something that I want to talk about today because we've all experienced it one way or another. And that is the lessons in life that we learn. How do we learn them? You know, this is the essence of growth in our life and it has to be built on decisions that we've made and where things haven't maybe played out the way that we wanted them to.

[00:01:14] So I'm thinking back to 25 years ago. And I have roughly just under $5,000 worth of Microsoft stock. My mom had purchased this for me. And at the time, it was definitely under maybe 16, 17 a share.

[00:01:38] Okay. This was a pivotal time in my life. I had just taken a new job in Boston coming from the Northwest. So I'd moved across country. This was not a high paying job, as you can imagine. I'm in my early twenties. So this was like my first big boy job. It's my first real job. So it was definitely more about the opportunity.

[00:02:05] So I'm in Boston. I'm looking at where I'm at financially. And after about five, six months out there, I realized I'm kind of carrying debt here to the tune of, you guessed it, close to $5,000 on a credit card.

[00:02:24] Because, you know, although the company had paid to help move some of the things out there, moves are expensive. And there's all these kind of phantom costs that come into play.

[00:02:34] Furniture that you buy and, you know, things that you end up doing when you get to a new location that you didn't anticipate. So I had these phantom costs they'd racked up. And I really don't love debt. And so what I decided to do is make a swap, sell the shares, pay off the debt.

[00:02:56] And that seemed very logical at that time. But fast forward 25 years and looking back, that turns out to be a really bad decision because that debt ended up costing me somewhere around a quarter million dollars because that's what those shares would have been worth had I just held them and not touched them.

[00:03:23] Now, we can all say, yeah, I probably would have sold them along the way. Maybe when they were worth 50, I sell or maybe whether with 100 or I use them for a down payment at some point on a house or some other type of investment. True.

[00:03:36] But let's take a look back and just see for a moment, had I kept them and let them play out, they would have been worth a lot more.

[00:03:47] And that brings me to today's topic. You know, carry the lesson, not the baggage.

[00:03:55] I have more examples than I care to admit, but this is one example of where the lesson, it's lighter than the baggage, right?

[00:04:07] The baggage is if I look at it and I beat myself up and I only think of what I lost. That's a heavier weight.

[00:04:16] There's no upside to that type of mentality.

[00:04:19] The lesson was maybe there was another avenue for me to be able to pay that debt off.

[00:04:30] Maybe I could have put a plan together and really make sure that I hold my investments sacred, that I don't tap into those because my lifestyle increased.

[00:04:40] And that is a lesson that I carry with me today.

[00:04:43] I actually look at my investments and I, even though I might have just bought something, I want to pay that off quickly.

[00:04:50] I'm not going to jump into my investments and pay my lifestyle off.

[00:04:55] Those investments that I have on the side, I picture like it's not mine.

[00:04:59] I can't touch it.

[00:05:00] And I've put measures in place because of this choice I made when I was younger.

[00:05:08] And that's it.

[00:05:09] Life is a series of choices and each one kind of leads us down different paths.

[00:05:14] Some of these are predictable.

[00:05:16] Others are very surprising.

[00:05:17] You know, as we go through the journey through these paths, we are going to be faced with decisions that are not going to turn out as we have hoped.

[00:05:28] Time allows things to play out.

[00:05:31] And that's where we have this moment where we see the outcome and then we're either, you know, regretful or maybe we feel guilty of what we've done.

[00:05:43] And the shift in perspective is everything.

[00:05:48] And that's why instead of carrying that weight of guilt, instead of carrying the baggage, we can lighten that load because a lesson is so much lighter.

[00:05:58] And we can focus on each one of these areas in our life as a great building opportunity.

[00:06:04] And that's why you hear so many of us say, well, yeah, I wouldn't change anything because they made me who, you know, these decisions made me who I am today.

[00:06:13] That's great.

[00:06:13] And if we take it a step further, why is that?

[00:06:16] And it's because that mindset of they led me to understand where I am today.

[00:06:20] They led me to the place I am.

[00:06:23] If you'll notice people who are living a harder life, they aren't looking at the lessons.

[00:06:30] They're carrying the baggage and they're destined to repeat the same poor decisions over and over again.

[00:06:36] And it's horrible to watch.

[00:06:38] And that's why this podcast, this episode is really focused on the mindset shift of understanding that like you're going to have a lot of these, whether or not it's relationships or if it's financial or it's in your job.

[00:06:56] There are so many areas to learn the lesson and say, you know what, I'm glad I learned it.

[00:07:02] And more importantly, I'm going to change things in the future.

[00:07:10] But keep in mind, decisions are generally made with the best information and intentions at that time.

[00:07:17] I think we can think about this from our parents.

[00:07:20] We look back and often all here, and certainly I've said it, is, you know, our parents did the best that they could with what they had at the time.

[00:07:29] You know, we look and say, you know, why did you do that?

[00:07:32] Why did you make that decision?

[00:07:33] Truly, unless this person is, you know, nefarious or evil or, you know, really just vindictive, they did the best they could at that particular time.

[00:07:43] And that's the unpredictability of life.

[00:07:50] You know, it means that even well-considered choices can lead to unforeseen results.

[00:07:58] Even people with the best intentions are not going to see the result that they wish they had.

[00:08:07] And that uncertainty, it's a flaw in our decision-making.

[00:08:10] It's just an inherent part of life's complexity.

[00:08:13] And that's why we can't have guilt, because it's such a heavy burden.

[00:08:18] It anchors us to those past mistakes, and it overshadows the progress that we've made and the growth that we've experienced.

[00:08:26] And that emotional weight will hinder our ability to move forward.

[00:08:31] It clouds our judgment.

[00:08:32] It keeps us from actually seeing all the potential and the opportunities that lie ahead based on what we just experienced.

[00:08:44] And that's transforming, you know, really the guilt into growth.

[00:08:51] We need to adopt that mindset.

[00:08:54] It's not just one time, by the way.

[00:08:56] These are valuable lessons that we have to show up every single day and think about and remember and implement.

[00:09:06] Because there's millions of decisions that you make throughout your lifetime.

[00:09:11] I mean, millions of decisions.

[00:09:14] Some mundane, some very consequential.

[00:09:17] You know, you turn right here, you get into an accident.

[00:09:21] You turn left there, and you were completely free and clear.

[00:09:25] You travel five miles per hour faster on your way home, and somebody jumps out in front of you.

[00:09:31] You go slower, and you would have missed them.

[00:09:34] Life-changing.

[00:09:35] Small little decisions that we're making all the time.

[00:09:41] And we need to recognize that byproducts of all those decisions are going to be times when things go astray.

[00:09:53] So I want to go through really kind of five areas that it's like, number one, I want you to acknowledge your feelings.

[00:10:05] You know, if you are feeling guilt over something, it's essential to recognize it, validate it.

[00:10:12] You don't have to suppress it.

[00:10:13] That's not what I'm saying.

[00:10:15] It really, that's actually, that leads to greater distress.

[00:10:20] It's actually just recognizing the feeling of guilt.

[00:10:23] It's okay.

[00:10:24] I look back and I go, it's okay to feel frustrated that I would have had, you know, a quarter million dollars sitting there in that account instead of paying off $5,000 of debt.

[00:10:36] But I allow myself to feel it, but I don't let that define me.

[00:10:43] I reflect on the experience.

[00:10:45] I take the time to reflect on what happened, what was I thinking at the time, and then I allow that knowledge to inform my future decisions.

[00:10:55] Because the reflection is what turns the mistake into life's lesson.

[00:11:00] And I think that was the most exciting part.

[00:11:04] I paid for a lesson there, an expensive lesson.

[00:11:08] But I probably made so much more because I haven't panicked.

[00:11:13] During, I've been through the 2008 financial crash and also right when COVID happened and the market just fell out.

[00:11:25] So both of them, when the market went down, I ended up doubling down and investing more.

[00:11:33] And I can't tell you how much more money I made because I was not going to let that initial space of where I sold when I was fearful of something, it wasn't going to infect my mind.

[00:11:48] And so I reflected, I acknowledged my feelings that I was frustrated that I lost all that money on paper.

[00:11:54] I reflect on that experience.

[00:11:57] And then number three, I practice self-compassion.

[00:12:01] You know, I treat myself with the same kindness and understanding that I would offer a friend.

[00:12:06] Because I inherently can beat myself up.

[00:12:10] You know, for me, for whatever, it's just I'm very hard on myself.

[00:12:14] And that comes out where I can be hard on others.

[00:12:17] And the more self-compassion that I have, it helps me move past guilt and carrying that weight of the baggage.

[00:12:26] But it also allows me to be more compassionate for others because I'm gentle with myself.

[00:12:33] Step four, focus on the actual steps.

[00:12:37] You know, what can you improve or rectify moving forward?

[00:12:43] And the actionable steps for me on the investment side, I'm just using this one example because it's so evident.

[00:12:50] The actionable step for me is, okay, when I'm in that position again, what will I do?

[00:12:55] I will feel the emotion.

[00:12:56] I will feel the burden of debt again.

[00:12:59] I have felt it many times since that day.

[00:13:02] And what will I do?

[00:13:04] Will I operate in fear or will I take action in a different way?

[00:13:08] So actionable steps put you back in control.

[00:13:13] And then the final is let go and move forward.

[00:13:16] You just have to let it go.

[00:13:19] You can't hold on.

[00:13:21] It's kind of like road rage and, you know, traffic jams.

[00:13:24] You're not going to change the traffic no matter how upset you get.

[00:13:28] So, you know, you can overpower the scenario emotionally and nothing changes.

[00:13:36] But that's the same thing with the past.

[00:13:38] The guilt, that baggage, it doesn't change the past.

[00:13:41] It still happened.

[00:13:42] So you got to let it go.

[00:13:44] You know?

[00:13:47] You throw an interception, you got to have a short memory.

[00:13:49] You hit a bad golf shot, it's the next shot that matters.

[00:13:53] You know, knowing that you've learned from the experience is the most important.

[00:13:57] And that puts you back in the present and then back into the mindset of the future where your actions can make a difference.

[00:14:07] So, we know every decision is going to lead to some type of success or it's going to lead to a perceived failure.

[00:14:14] Right?

[00:14:15] It's not always a failure.

[00:14:17] Sometimes it's just saying setback is the setup.

[00:14:20] Yet, sometimes it's just a temporary failure.

[00:14:24] They both carry a lesson.

[00:14:27] And those lessons are going to help build our resilience and refine our approach to future challenges.

[00:14:33] I'm a better dad and a better mentor to others because of the mistakes that I've made.

[00:14:39] That's what's kind of cool.

[00:14:40] I like the personal journey because someone who's faced more significant challenges and setbacks is someone that I want to be closer with because they've discovered the strengths they never knew they had.

[00:14:54] They've developed a deeper sense of empathy and understanding.

[00:14:58] You know, there's a gentleman that I'm going to go have lunch with and, man, this guy kills it in so many areas of life.

[00:15:04] You know, good family, great wealth.

[00:15:09] And one of the things that I'm interested to know is, you know, what are the most painful moments in his life?

[00:15:16] So, when we go have coffee, I want to find out.

[00:15:19] It helps me give it contextualize, you know, what someone has been through.

[00:15:23] And it levels the playing field because we've all been through something.

[00:15:27] You know, either it's big, it's a shared big experience or it's just a perceived big experience on your own game of life.

[00:15:35] But either way, I know that the pain, the decisions, and how you triumph over those is all of it.

[00:15:51] That's everything in the personal journey.

[00:15:53] And I wanted you to receive this message and embrace your journey with all its imperfections.

[00:16:01] You know, learn, grow, move forward with a lighter heart and a wiser mind.

[00:16:09] But be sure to learn the lesson because that's the cool thing.

[00:16:15] If you're going to drop the baggage, you got to learn the lesson.

[00:16:18] Carry the lesson.

[00:16:19] It's lighter.

[00:16:20] It's great.

[00:16:21] But carry that lesson because that's going to set you up for the next thing so you're not doomed to repeat the past.

[00:16:29] All right.

[00:16:29] Until next time, stay curious.